He wasn’t ready for it, my sweet husband. We’d just had a check-in with our counselor the day before, and all seemed well. All was well, really. I hadn’t knowingly concealed anything, but it came crashing in. The weight of weeks and months of comparison and feeling inadequate had literally brought me to my knees on the bathroom floor. Two hours of tears later, he found me in our bed, eyes puffy and still leaking tears, surrounded by tissues. Through sobs, I choked out how I’d been battling comparison and insecurity.
Through the tears and hugs that followed, I realized I needed something more than an encouraging word or a hug. Just days before, I’d listened to Jennie Allen’s talk from IF: Lead on Romans 8. She talked about a lack of acknowledgment of sin in church culture and leadership and a general loss of the art of confession. I took some inventory and could remember just a handful of times anyone I knew or admired in church leadership had openly acknowledged and confessed sin.
We have a tendency in Church World to attach ourselves to buzz words like vulnerability and transparency without ever truly being honest with each other. In our well-intentioned attempts to support and encourage one another, we throw around platitudes from self-help books about how we are all “enough.” We remind each other how we are capable, brave, beautiful, and strong. And yet, the cycle continues. Most of the women I know, women who love Jesus deeply and who are successful in all external measures, still find themselves caught in a cycle of loneliness and insecurity.
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