April 3, 2021 Hannah Pannell

Come. See. Go. Tell.

Our belief about the resurrection determines a pivotal point of our faith: Do we believe that God is living and active, or is He a thing of the past, defeated by this world?

Matthew 28 gives us a unique glimpse at this monumental day. In this passage, two women were traveling to visit the tomb of their friend Jesus following his public crucifixion. It seems important that we acknowledge the intimacy of their relationship. After all, it was Mary Magdalene from whom Jesus had cast out seven demons. These women were more than just followers, they were friends. And on this day, they were likely confused and weary friends, mourning the death of a man dear to them. It was in this desire for a final moment of nearness to their Savior that these women would walk into likely the most significant moment of their lives.

Let’s walk with them for a moment.

Upon their arrival at the tomb, the angel immediately dispels their fear. Surely, standing at the empty tomb would have quickened their hearts and ushered in a sense of panic. I have a hunch, however, that the angel’s next phrase brought them the greatest peace: He is not here; He has risen, just as He said. This phrase is nothing short of miraculous; the very utterance of Jesus’s resurrection has extreme implications for our faith. Yet, my favorite part of the phrase is the last several words: just as He said. Jesus had promised His return; He assured His followers that death would be defeated. The angel’s words remind us of this one monumental truth: Jesus keeps His promises.

Immediately after his proclamation of the resurrected King, the angel invites the women to come and see. Is that not what we are seeking still today? We want someone to usher us in, to validate our fears and doubts, and invite us to come and see. Jesus is never afraid of the invitation; our doubts never prove too much, because His life and His Word hold up. The invitation of the angel sounds to me much like the one Jesus gave to Thomas when he extended his nail-scarred hands to wash away Thomas’s doubts. Come and see. It has always been our invitation.

The call does not end here. We must enter in, we must come and see, but there is more. The women did not stop at the sight of the empty tomb. The angel first offered them an invitation: come and see, but he next offered them an opportunity: go and tell.

Our call is much the same today. Jesus invites us in and then offers us the opportunity to go and tell. Ours is a gospel made for multiplying. It is in our obedience that God is most pleased. He wants us to come and see. He wants us to know more of Him, to taste and see that He is good. Then He desires that we would go and tell of the wonders of His love. Once we have tasted His goodness, to go and tell is a natural outpouring.

Surely, these two women could have walked away from the tomb in fear that day the way many of us choose to walk away from God opportunities. The news of the resurrection would have made its appearance without them, but they would have missed a golden opportunity. God does not need us, but He chooses us. In His rising, He resurrects the dead parts of our lives and invites us to a grander unfolding story. Let’s not miss this. May we never live as if the stone was not rolled away.

1. What is God inviting you into today? How can you come and see more of Him?

2. What opportunity is He offering you to go and tell? How can your life reflect the truth and glory of the resurrection?

May 14, 2020 Hannah Pannell

The Power of Confession

He wasn’t ready for it, my sweet husband. We’d just had a check-in with our counselor the day before, and all seemed well. All was well, really. I hadn’t knowingly concealed anything, but it came crashing in. The weight of weeks and months of comparison and feeling inadequate had literally brought me to my knees on the bathroom floor. Two hours of tears later, he found me in our bed, eyes puffy and still leaking tears, surrounded by tissues. Through sobs, I choked out how I’d been battling comparison and insecurity.

Through the tears and hugs that followed, I realized I needed something more than an encouraging word or a hug. Just days before, I’d listened to Jennie Allen’s talk from IF: Lead on Romans 8. She talked about a lack of acknowledgment of sin in church culture and leadership and a general loss of the art of confession. I took some inventory and could remember just a handful of times anyone I knew or admired in church leadership had openly acknowledged and confessed sin.

We have a tendency in Church World to attach ourselves to buzz words like vulnerability and transparency without ever truly being honest with each other. In our well-intentioned attempts to support and encourage one another, we throw around platitudes from self-help books about how we are all “enough.” We remind each other how we are capable, brave, beautiful, and strong. And yet, the cycle continues. Most of the women I know, women who love Jesus deeply and who are successful in all external measures, still find themselves caught in a cycle of loneliness and insecurity.

Click here to read the rest of this post at The Glorious Table—>

April 20, 2020 Hannah Pannell

1 in 10…

The month of April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month. According to the Children’s Advocacy Center of Tennessee, nearly 700,000 children are victims of abuse in the US annually and 1 in 10 children will be sexually abused by their 18th birthday. This topic hits close to home for me for many reasons.

First of all, I teach in a title 1 school with high rates of childhood trauma. Every year, I handle child abuse cases. I’ve collaborated with Child Protective Services, Guardian Ad Litems, and Detectives in my role as a teacher and a mandated reporter. Bearing witness to the stories my students live is equal parts brutal and beautiful.

Additionally, my husband and I are foster parents. We have fostered a handful of teens in emergency and respite placements. Their stories, while each unique, all carry the weight of abuse or neglect in some form. Because of the privilege we’ve been given to be a small part of their stories, we’ve chosen to dive deep into training and knowledge on abuse and trauma.

But finally, and most personally, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. This issue is close to my heart because I’ve lived it. I’ve written about my story in the past here and even featured a host of other stories from guest posters of their own personal stories of sexual abuse.

A couple years ago, I performed this spoken word piece in which I shared my story with those closest to me for the first time.

I’d shared my story a few times before, but this felt extra sacred because it was face to face with my people. People who knew me well, but had never heard my story. Over the course of the next year, friends and acquaintances who shared stories much like mine came out of the wood work. I felt and continue to feel so privileged to hold space for their stories with them. If you’re reading this and happen to share a similar story, can I share some encouragement with you? I read these words in Jen Hatmaker’s book Of Mess and Moxie several years ago and posted them on my mirror as a daily reminder. Maybe you need them too.

“This is not who you are. This happened to you, but it does not define you. You are not broken. You are not ruined. You are not destined to a lifetime of sexual dysfunction. You will become the exact person God intended all along, and you will be stronger in these fragile places than you were before it happened. This is a part of your story, not the end of it, and you will overcome. Not only that; you will thrive. If God is truly strongest where we are weakest, then He will win in this place.”

These words are my prayer for you fellow survivors. Amen and amen!

This April, awareness feels extra close to my heart. With recent school closures due to COVID-19, I worry about my students and children everywhere in unsafe home environments and abusive situations. I was recently interviewed about the effect of school closures on reports of child abuse in a great article you can find here.

No doubt, there are children and adults in crisis around our world right now. Being quarantined and stuck at home can make us feel helpless but this is not the case.

In honor of Child Abuse Prevention Month, here are a few suggestions of how we can be part of the solution:

Interested in becoming a foster parent? Now is the time! Use these free evenings to start the process. Many agencies are even doing online trainings for certification during this time.
Support organizations like Virginia’s Kids Belong who provide advocacy, awareness and support in all avenues of the process from foster families to social workers.
Be a good neighbor. See something? Say something. With many children away from their safety nets full of mandated reporters (school, YMCA, daycare, church), the risk for them is greater. Let’s all take on this responsibility. You can find the hotline numbers for reporting here.
Consider becoming a CASA volunteer.
Be a safe person for your own kids and the kids in your life. Disclosure is hard, but it’s the first step to healing. Make sure you are someone your kids and other kids can talk to if they need to.

Let’s all be part of the solution this April.

August 18, 2018 Hannah Pannell

Our Wedding Day

We Decided on Forever 7.7.18

Now that I am officially a married lady, I am so excited to share with you some of the details of our wedding day.  So many people helped make our day perfect and we are beyond grateful for the support of our sweet tribe and our amazing families!

Will and I got married July 7th. Will told me from the moment that we got engaged that he was praying for 75 and cloudy weather for our wedding day. Every time he said this, I’d laugh and roll my eyes saying “July 7th babe…keep praying”. You guys… the high on our wedding day was 79 degrees and it was cloudy with a gentle breeze the entire day… the prayers of a righteous man avail much. We truly were blessed with the most beautiful day.

The Morning of the Big Day

Will and I chose to see each other on our wedding day which was such an important part of the day for me. We felt that the focus of our day should be on the covenant we were joining in together and therefore we enjoyed spending a large part of the day together.

Our timeline for the day looked like this-

Getting Ready

We started the morning with coffee (of course) and a devotion together at the exact spot we’d say our vows later that day. I showed up make-up free and embraced being present not picture perfect. That time in scripture together was one of my favorite parts of our entire day though I cried the whole way through.

Will read from Ephesians 3 and told me his desires for the future of our marriage and our family. He reminded me of the reason we were making these commitments and vows. Then, he prayed over us and I wept at the goodness of God to exceed my dreams for a husband who would lead our family spiritually.

After Will and I had spent some time alone together talking, reading, and praying, we invited our families to come and join us to pray over our wedding day. We both come from strong Christian roots and we were so grateful to be able to honor our faith and the joining our families together by uniting in prayer.

Starting our day focused on the things of true importance set the tone so well for the entire day. Brides- I would highly recommend blocking off some extra hours in the wedding morning to center yourself and start the day on the right note.

After our slow start, the day kicked into gear with hair and makeup. Will and I were super intentional about the people we had involved in our wedding. Every choice we made about hiring someone was rooted in relationships. That was something we valued, but also it made our day super personal and fun because no one was a stranger. A friend from our life group did my makeup and my sweet hair stylist has been following our dating relationship since day one. This made the getting ready process so much more fun!

I grabbed a bunch of snacks a few days before the wedding to make sure we’d all eat something before the ceremony and we left this cute snack bar up in the room the girls got ready in most of the day.

During our getting ready time, my tribe had a few surprises for me. My sweet bridesmaids had each written me a letter. They know that words are my love language so reminiscing on our relationships in this way was incredibly meaningful to me. They certainly had me in tears, again lol.

My bridesmaids weren’t the only ones who had a few tricks up their sleeve! Will had each of the groomsmen deliver me a gift with a note from him throughout the day, from flowers, to a “wifey” tank top, and chocolates. He did a great job of including thoughtful gifts and notes throughout the day.

First Look

Will and I chose to do a first look for several reasons. We wanted to eliminate the stress of trying to not see each other throughout the day, but we wanted to maintain the surprise and excitement by sharing in several special moments just the two of us. We were a little tighter on time than I expected since we needed to be ready so much earlier, but it was well worth it to us. In addition, we wanted to spend our time after the ceremony with our guests at the reception. We knew a first look would cut back on the amount of time we needed after the ceremony for photos.

The moments leading up to the first look were the only moments of the day where I was a bit stressed. We were in a pinch for time and I started to feel the pressure a bit. As soon as I started the walk towards Will, however, my heart slowed and I remembered the real reasons for the day.

Foot Washing Ceremony

In addition to a first look, Will and I did a foot washing ceremony. We both wanted this to be a part of our day, but with an already long ceremony in the heat of July, we thought it might be best to do this beforehand. In the end, it was very special to have this intimate moment together to remember the importance of serving one another. I think it worked better to do it in advance, just the two of us. There was something so special about humbling myself to my knees in what is likely the most expensive dress I’ll ever own and washing my husband’s feet and then watching him do the same. It was a beautiful metaphor of humility and service in a marriage.

I also chose to do a first look with the other two important guys in my life, my dad and my brother.

After first looks, I went back to the house to touch up my makeup from all the tears and snag a few more pictures before the day was in full swing!

At the very last minute before the ceremony, we realized that the wedding party needed to walk from the church instead of the house. This caused a hilarious moment of moving the fully dressed bride across the parking lot without any guests seeing. My fabulous bridesmaids and friends saved the day with a comical sprint, stopping traffic and holding up a blanket.

The Ceremony

The ceremony was by far the most important part of the day to me. In general, weddings are trending towards much shorter ceremonies, but I really wanted our ceremony to be the focus of our day. I planned many unique elements in our wedding ceremony to keep us focused on the important part of the day!

Our prelude playlist was comprised of some of our favorites playing as guests arrived:

Take the World by Johnnyswim

Love Never Fails by Brandon Heath

From this Moment On/You’re Still the One by Caleb and Kelsey

Powerful Stuff by Sean Hayes

Marry Me by Train

Our very talented friends, The Arise Band, played for most of our ceremony music.

Our violinist and pianist played an instrumental version of Say You Won’t Let Go by James Arthur for the seating of the family.

We asked our officiant to emphasize to the guests the importance of our ceremony being unplugged. We had a sign at the ceremony entrance, but we also asked him to read this quick statement. It was important to us that our guests be fully present and our day not be overwhelmed by technology.

Will and Hannah invite you to be fully present today for their ceremony. In the interest of an unplugged ceremony, in which we get to see your faces and not your phones, we ask that you put away and silence all devices.

For the wedding party processional, the violinist and pianist played an instrumental of Perfect by Ed Sheeran.

You guys… How cute are our sweet flower girls?

Will’s sweet pup Sky had to be a part of the ceremony. You can’t see it here, but she wore a sign that said “I Loved Him First.”

By far my favorite piece of décor of the day was the sliding barn doors Will built for our entrance. It was so special to walk through something he had put hours of work into. He did an amazing job and they were beautiful.

One of the other really special parts of the day was the song I walked down the aisle to. I went a bit nontraditional and had my brother sing a song rather than play an instrumental piece. I wanted the lyrics of this song to be what we both heard as I walked down the aisle. Having my brother be the one to sing it was even more impactful and tear-inducing. Ryan sang When I Say I Do by Matthew West as I walked down the aisle.

I was fine for all of two seconds after I walked through those doors before I lost it.

Based off this shot of my bridesmaids, I don’t think I was the only one crying! At the last minute right here, my veil caught on the benches and I couldn’t move. It was a welcomed break for laughter in a very emotional moment.

Inevitably, something goes wrong in every ceremony, but seeing it as an opportunity to laugh and have a funny memory makes it stress-free!

Our officiant was one of Will’s college professors, Doc Reece. We asked him to preach on Ephesians 4 and 5 in light of what scripture has to say about marriage.

Instead of unity sand or a unity candle, we decided to do something a bit different to symbolize our becoming one. Over the last couple of years, I had been collecting stones and writing significant markers of God’s faithfulness on them. I was inspired by the story in Joshua 4 and wrote the following for our ceremony.

In Joshua 4, scripture tells the story of the Israelites crossing the Jordan river. When the entire nation had safely crossed, Joshua called together the leaders of the tribes to take stones and build a symbol of remembrance. Joshua 4:6 says “In the future when your children ask you “what do these stones mean?” tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.”

The Israelites were being called to mark God’s faithfulness in their lives. Today, Will and Hannah have both brought a container of stones. In each container, are stones with stories written on them of the ways God has been faithful in their individual lives. Today, they combine their stones as a reminder for them and for their future children of God’s faithfulness. In addition, they will add a stone with today’s date as a reminder of God’s faithfulness in bringing them together.

One of the other elements we chose to include in our ceremony was worship. Our faith has been such an important part of our journey and relationship and we wanted to take a moment to honor God’s faithfulness together by praising Him. We provided the lyrics on the back of our wedding program and invited our guests to join us in celebrating through worship.

We chose to sing Reckless Love right before the unity symbol and Ever Be right after the kiss, before we were presented to the guests as Mr. & Mrs. Will Pannell. This turned out to be such an amazing way to slow down the day. Choosing to worship brought our focus to the commitment we were making and took away our nerves.

We chose to write our own vows and include congregational vows. We took a day and went to the beach to really focus on writing our vows. We did not read each other’s in advance, but we did ask a friend to proofread them and make sure that they blended together well. It was super special to have these personalized promises to read to each other.

Before we got married, Will and I went through Francis and Lisa Chan’s You and Me Forever. The study was a great reminder to us of the eternal impact of marriage. The study reminded us that marriage is about so much more than the two of us and is a beautiful picture of Christ and the church.

After our vows, Will and I chose to include the prayer that is at the back of the book.

Will:

God, help us love you deeply and fear you greatly. Teach us how to love each other for your sake. May the humility of Christ be seen in the way we treat each other. show us how to enjoy each other without neglecting your mission. Remind us of the brevity of life so we share your good news urgently. Remind us of heaven so we will face rejection and trials joyfully.

Hannah:

When we settle down for too long, prod us to run. When we are prone to fight, teach us to fight together, and to fight for you. When we are tempted to run away, bring repentance and renewal. May we spend our married days reminding each other of your glory, your gospel, your love, your power, your mission, and your promise of what is to come.

After our vows, we exchanged rings. I found our ring exchange here after doing a whole lot of searching for wording that we liked.

I give this ring to you as a sign that I choose you, and as a reminder that I will always love you. Though I will fail and fall, may this ring stand as a reminder that I will stay faithful as Jesus has been faithful to us.

The next part of our ceremony accidentally got left out, but it’s something I really wish we had done so I would highly recommend it. I had written in the order of service for our officiant to invite us to look out at the audience and take it all in. I wanted to attribute where I got my inspiration, but I can’t seem to find the blog post. I know I found it on Pinterest though and I just tweaked the wording a bit! By the end of the night, I realized that many of our out of town guests left before the reception and since I never really looked out during the ceremony, I honestly had no clue who was there.

Before I pronounce you husband and wife, I have just one more thing I want you to do. Your wedding day will fly by. It’s a day filled with emotion, friends, family, pictures, and dancing. Many people remember fast their own wedding day flew by. So I want you to take a few seconds to look into each other’s eyes. Think about the happiness that you’re feeling in this place, in this moment. Really let that feeling register in your heart and your mind. Now take a moment to look out at your friends and family who have gathered here to celebrate you. Each of them has played a special role in your journey as individuals and will continue to in your journey as husband and wife. Take a moment to take it all in.

After this chance to look out at our guests, our officiant pronounced us husband and wife and invited Will to kiss the bride. Will and the officiant had planned a little extra surprise here. All of the groomsmen along with Will pulled out a white flag in surrender. Ironically, I asked every one of them to tuck in whatever was hanging out of their pockets before they walked out and it never occurred to me to wonder what was in their pockets!

Finally, Will and I were announced as Mr. & Mrs. William Pannell and we walked out to our recessional song You are the Best Thing by Ray LaMontagne.

Portraits

We took a bit of time after the ceremony to do photos while everyone enjoyed chips and salsa at cocktail hour. Here’s a few of our favorite shots!

The Reception

Will and I chose to do a taco bar at our reception, both because we love tacos and because it was cheap!

One of the best things we did all day was to have someone make us a plate while we were doing portraits. We had everyone start eating about 15 minutes before we finished portraits. A friend fixed us a plate and set it in the back room. Then, before entering the reception, we ate really quickly and signed the marriage certificate. We heard from so many people that they did not eat at their reception and were starving so we took care of it before all of the greeting and dancing. I was so glad to do it this way because then no one was watching me eat either!

We had the DJ announce the wedding party as we entered and then we gave everyone a few more minutes to eat so that our wedding party wasn’t rushed.

When it came time for the first dances, Will and I danced to Perfect by Ed Sheeran and Beyonce. I danced with my dad to My Little Girl by Tim McGraw and Will danced with his mom to A Song for Mama by Boyz II Men.

Will and I are both very close to our siblings so we decided to do a first dance with them as well. We danced to Have it All by Jason Mraz.

The rest of the night was full of dancing, ice cream, and celebrating!

Ice Cream Bar

We chose to do something a bit different instead of a wedding cake. Will and I both love ice cream so we decided to do an ice cream cake for us from our favorite local place, Gelati Celesti, and an ice cream bar for the guests. We also took this opportunity to honor the strong women in our lives in a special way. Each of our moms made a big batch of cookies from a family recipe. Will’s mom made White Chocolate Macadamia Nut and my mom made Peanut Butter. Unbeknownst to them, we had collected photos of them and our grandmothers/great grandmothers on their wedding days to display on the dessert table.

Guest Book

Instead of a traditional guest book, Will and I used a globe for our guests to sign.

We also had them fill mason jars with date night ideas, bucket list items, and suggested future kid names!

These were so fun to sit around and read after the wedding!

Centerpieces and Décor

Will and I printed pictures of us for each table centerpiece.

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love coffee so our favors were so fun for me! We packaged Fair Trade Coffee as our wedding favors with a cute little tag that said “Love is Brewing.”

We invited a lot of families to our wedding and so we knew there would be a whole lot of kids. We wanted to make sure we included some fun elements for them so we made tic-tac-toe boards and coloring books to entertain the kids. They were a huge hit!

Toasts, One More Surprise, and the Exit!

We wrapped up our night with toasts from the wedding party and one last surprise from Will. He had been practicing the song Ends of the Earth by Brandon Ray. After the toasts, he surprised me by singing it to me. It was the sweetest thing!

We closed out the night with a sparkler exit!

After we left the reception, Will realized we might still have time for one last surprise and he took me to our very favorite sunset spot downtown, Libby Hill. We had so much fun walking around in our wedding attire and watching the sun set over the city, we almost forgot to snag a picture. At the last minute we handed my phone to a couple of strangers and they snagged one of our favorite shots of the day. A beautiful ending to an amazing day.

May 26, 2018 Hannah Pannell

Who’s In Control of Your Life?

Recently I was at a women’s event where a discussion question prompted us to evaluate our spiritual “walk”. The focus of the message was Hebrews 12:1 (NIV):

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

We were asked what was holding us back from following Christ with abandon. What weight or sin did we need to shed to run our race freely? As I prayed over the question, I struggled. While I’m not under the impression that I have no sin to confront in my life, I couldn’t seem to put my finger on just one thing in this season, one specific sin I was battling.

Then one word began to dance through my thoughts—control. At first, I was quick to disregard it. After all, no one wants to be the friend, the coworker, or heaven forbid, the fiancée everyone knows is controlling.

In general, I rarely have to come face-to-face with my need for control. I live alone, so most of my life truly exists within my own neatly designed plan and schedule. From the way I make my coffee and the way I clean my house to how I schedule my days, I don’t have to consult anyone else for input. Ironically, people often compliment me on how “under control” my work or home life appears. While I’ve thrived in this environment for several years now, it wasn’t until recently that I considered the spiritual impact of my need for control.

If I’m honest, I must admit that most of my need for control is rooted in selfishness. It reveals my belief that I know best. When I test my motivation against Scripture, however, I’m quickly reminded that I cannot retain control and master surrender. It’s easy to believe that Jesus just wants my heart, but I often neglect or ignore that he also wants my plans, my selfish ambition, my schedule, and my availability.

Read the rest of the post over at The Glorious Table–>

April 22, 2018 Hannah Pannell

Finding My Voice

A year ago this week, I was feeling wildly alone.

I was fresh out of a break up and preparing to share my story via spoken word in front of friends who, despite knowing me for years, had likely never heard or imagined some of the darkest stories I kept hidden in my heart.

A year before, I’d written my story for the world to read, and yet, sharing my heart with my closest friends left me feeling exposed and vulnerable.

In the days leading up to the event where I would be sharing, Satan had a grip on my heart that still feels tangible. I’ll never forget the way God whispered over my heart that freedom was on the other side of the fear I was facing. As I prayed God’s promises in scripture back to Him, I literally wrote verses across my hands as tangible reminders of His plans.

The way God moved through that night was beyond my wildest imagination. A year later, I’m still in awe at what God does through just an ounce of faithfulness. As I’m reflecting 365 days later, I’m reminded of these simple, yet profound truths…

Fear is a thief and a liar.

The brokenness of our lives is fertile soil for God’s very best work.

The power of “me too” is the best gift we can offer to the world by telling the truth even when our voices shake.

January 8, 2018 Hannah Pannell

Top 17 of 2017

1. I built a life in a new town, a new house and with a new job.

This year has been full! I’ve officially lived in my house for one entire year and it has been everything I could have ever dreamt of. I’m wildly grateful, and even though I’ll begin packing boxes just a couple months after I’ve finally hung all my pictures, it has been such a sweet season of independence, strength, and resilience. I still love my precious little town and I can’t imagine working anywhere else. Teaching is every bit as exhausting and rewarding as expected, but I survived the hardest year of teaching I could have imagined. I’m learning to find my groove. I don’t leave at dark anymore and more often than not, I’m able to step back and truly enjoy watching the magic that takes place each day! I was made for this.

2. I did spoken word to share my story.

About two years ago, I shared my story online for the first time. It ended up being a contributor post for Huffington Post and got a good bit of traction. It was terrifying. And yet somehow, while I knew everyone close to me could read it, it was easier knowing that I didn’t have to look them in the eyes while they read it. And then, in April, the nonprofit ministry I help run hosted a talk on sexual abuse. I knew from the moment I saw it on the list of topics that God was calling me to share my story publicly for the first time, but it took me a few more weeks to admit it. Most people don’t know this, but I have a minor lisp. I can assure you that nothing about it felt minor as I prepared to do spoken word about my story in front of the people I see every day. The month leading up to sharing my story was wildly hard. I noticed my lisp everyday. A few weeks prior, a relationship came to an end. I considered backing out. The week of, I wrote scriptures all over my hands to remind myself of the truth. And the night of, I showed up and did it. While I felt completely drained afterwards, the conversations that followed brought freedom and I’m so glad I did it. As Oprah said last night at the Golden Globes “What I know for sure is that speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have.”

3. I launched a book and explored Texas with my favorite friends a second time.

Two years ago, in a late night email, I found out I was chosen to be on the launch team for Jen Hatmaker’s For the Love. Then, a few months later, I found out my endorsement was published in the front of her now New York Times bestseller. The season of excitement culminated in a huge party where Jen invited her 500 internet friends to her backyard. We all credited it to an amazing once-in-a-lifetime experience. And then she did it again- she wrote another book and threw another party in her backyard. But this time #the500 had walked through nearly 2 years of life together and we were ready. We filled three plus days with backyard barbecues, food, and fun. These women love Jesus and love each other well. So many of them have become real-life friends and I’m so grateful for this tribe. The Texas trip was a highlight of my summer, especially since one of my very best friends Jenn came along and we made it an adventure through Waco, San Antonio and Austin. The trip was so good for my soul.

4. We closed our church doors.

This is a tough one. I wrote about it a bit this year, you can read my words here or the lovely guest post from a dear friend here. I’ll tell you this. I’m still grieving. I’m not always sure when or how, grief is tricky like that. Like this morning for instance, when a pastor’s wife asked me “So what brought you here? Do you have a background in church?” and I burst into tears as I tried to answer. Oh yes, I have a background in church….

For now, I’ll leave you with the words I spoke on our last Sunday.

Anchor Baptist church has raised me. I’ve spent more hours collectively within church walls than nearly anywhere else in my life. I’ve been here for birthdays and Christmas and nearly every season of my life has been marked by this church. I can’t look back on memories or pictures without finding your faces. You’ve taught me to love Jesus well. I’ve learned to love people well by watching you love each other, by watching you love your spouses and your kids. You made space for me in the years where I wasn’t chasing Jesus and you cheered me on when I was. There are no words for the roots this church has given me. I found Jesus here. Not within these four physical walls, but within the loving arms of fellow believers. For that, I will be forever changed and forever grateful.

5. I visited churches for the first time ever.

Oddly enough, though I’ve been in church my entire life, most of my experience has been in two churches. So, when we felt God calling us to walk away from the life we knew, I did the only thing I knew how- I kept going to church. In fact, over the last 6 months, I’ve been to a lot of churches. Getting to see how God is at work all over our city has been an incredible gift. I needed time to sit and show up where no one knew my name. I’ve been able to do that. I needed to fill my journals with sermon notes and scripture and truth that would remind me that God is good and His promises are true. And I did.

I recently wrote this about what I’ve realized these last several months.

“You’re never gonna let,
Never gonna let me down.
You are good, good, oh”

These are the words I stood and sang in church this morning with tears in my eyes. You see, over the course of the last year, I’ve battled with words like these. I so often wondered if I even theologically agree with them. Can I honestly proclaim that God will never let me down? Do I truly believe that
I sat down a few weeks ago and looked over this journal. It’s tear-stained and falling apart. I’ve written desperate, breathless prayers on my bathroom floor on its tattered pages. And I’ve prayed for good and holy things through these pages. I’ve begged God to do gospel work in relationships that ended up dying. I’ve longed for and dreamt of revival and interceded for a church that closed its doors. And if I’m honest, I’ve harbored some anger, some bitterness over what felt like silence from God. Then I turned to this page. Nearly a year ago, I began praying this prayer. All of you Jesus. Nothing more, nothing less, nothing else. It may be the only answered prayer in this journal. But it’s enough. If the only answer I ever get from my prayers is more of Jesus, it will be worth wearing out my knees and warring for that truth day and night. Because today, today I could sing with joy that the God who felt silent never truly lets me down.

6. I went to some amazing concerts.

James Arthur, OneRepublic, Johnnyswim, and getting to see my best friend in her element was icing on the cake!

7. I started writing a book.

I feel crazy even saying this out loud. I have no idea where this will go, but I’m writing. I’m prioritizing and writing and praying.

8. I got certified as a foster parent.

One of the more difficult parts of my job involves handling cases of students who are, for one reason or another, not safe or cared for at home. The issue is complex and there are no easy answers, but one solution on a larger scale is quality foster homes. The statistics on foster care are staggering. I can’t help believe that Jesus actually meant it when he told us to care for the orphan. That’s why I spent 3 hours every Sunday for ten weeks learning about the system, kids in trauma, and parenting. I had an amazing instructor and I just found out last week that I’m officially certified. I’ve got a crib, an open home, and an open heart.

Interested in foster care? Check out HopeTree Family Services.

9. I found forgiveness.

Last year, I wrote the word forgiveness on this stone. It was a tangible reminder of a spiritual goal for the year. Forgiveness is still a daily choice, but it’s one I’m committed to making over and over again.

10. I made it on the video board in Times Square.

I’m not sure that this was on my bucket list, but it totally should have been!

11. I started CrossFit.

Y’all. CrossFit is hard. I’ll never forget my first night. I ate leftover pizza 10 minutes beforehand (because obviously I was very dedicated) and I thought I might vomit on the mat all night. Earlier this week we were doing one of the workouts that I could barely even complete the first night and I realized how much stronger I am after 2 months. That’s my goal- stronger. I’ll never be a size 2 but I want to be healthy and strong and CrossFit pushes me to do that!

12. I chopped off all my hair

New cut, new color, same me. I LOVED the short hair life. I’m growing it out for the wedding but I’ll probably do another big chop right after!

13. I set healthy boundaries.

In theory, I’m amazing with boundaries. I’ve read all the books. I could coach people on healthy boundaries. In practice? My palms get sweaty when I think of hurting someone’s feelings. But this year I started. I chose healthy, even when it didn’t make everyone happy. I stood my ground and I didn’t run when things got uncomfortable. Just a few weeks ago I was having a conversation with someone close to me and they said I just feel like I let you down. A year ago, the news they’d just shared would have put me in a full-on panic attack, but this year I simply said this You can’t let me down when you’re not the thing holding me up. I want more for you than this, but you have to want it too. The best part? I meant it.

14. I chased a whole lot of sunsets.

I’m not 100% sure on this but I think Jesus put something in me that enjoys sunsets, sunrises, and starry nights a little bit more than the average human. And y’all… we chased them all this year. So good for my soul.

15. I dated (for good and for bad).

I went on more first dates this year than I have in any other year of my life. In fact, I went on some second dates. Not every relationship had a perfect ending, but I learned so much about myself in the process. Also, if you check out #16 and 17 on my list here, you’ll see that I’m finally taking the advice every youth group kid got in the 90’s and I’m “kissing dating goodbye” because……..

16. I met the one.

Last week, my future sister-in-law asked when I knew her brother was “the one”. I think it’s a tricky concept really. I don’t believe there is one person for each of us. I don’t believe that one wrong misstep could have my “one” married off to the wrong person and me left single forever. But I do believe God puts certain things in us that mesh well with certain other people. I do believe marriage is easier when we prioritize certain attributes and character traits in our dating. And just like I believe we choose to love rather than fall in love, I believe we choose to make someone our “one” rather than finding “the one”.

For me, I got to see so many of those attributes I’d prioritized and prayed for come to life in Will as we dated. On our second date in particular, we accidentally ended up in an eerily similar situation to a previous date with a previous guy that had ended in mounting frustration and yelling. When Will handled the same situation with patience and grace, I teared up in his pickup truck. God gave me eyes to see so many of those moments that were literal answers to prayer over these last seven months and I am so grateful.

17. I got engaged.

You could say my year ended on a pretty high note. Will’s proposal was magical, thoughtful, and special. I’ll share the full story in the next couple of weeks, but for now, here’s to changing my name in 2018!

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